Is It Gaslighting… or Are You Just Both Tired?

A Therapist’s Take on Modern Relationship Buzzwords

If you’ve spent more than five minutes on social media lately, you’ll have heard the terms: gaslighting, breadcrumbing, love bombing, emotional unavailability, narcissistic abuse.

Suddenly, every relationship hiccup has a label — and everyone’s ex has a personality disorder.

While some of these terms describe very real and harmful experiences, therapy rooms are filling up with people asking a quieter question:

“Am I being gaslit… or are we just having a really bad week?”

Why These Words Feel So Good

Let’s be honest — labels are comforting. They give shape to confusion and help us make sense of emotional pain.

For someone who has genuinely been gaslit, learning the word can feel like finally finding the light switch in a dark room. It validates experience and restores self-trust.

That matters.

But (and this is the important bit) not every uncomfortable interaction is abuse — and not every disagreement is psychological warfare.

When Everything Becomes a Red Flag

In therapy, there’s a growing trend of people arriving with a long list of “red flags” — usually about their partner, sometimes about themselves.

The trouble is, many of these terms come from clinical or abuse contexts, but are now being applied to:

• poor communication

• stress-fuelled defensiveness

• mismatched needs

• two exhausted humans misunderstanding each other

Disagreeing with you is not gaslighting.Needing space is not emotional abandonment.Forgetting a conversation is not rewriting history.

Sometimes it’s just… being human.

So What Is Gaslighting, Really?

Proper gaslighting isn’t a single moment. It’s a pattern.

It involves:

• repeated denial of your reality

• a power imbalance

• erosion of your confidence and self-trust over time

If you’re consistently left doubting your sanity, walking on eggshells, or apologising for things you didn’t do — that’s worth taking seriously.

If you had one argument while both running on three hours’ sleep and too much caffeine, that’s probably not a clinical diagnosis.

Why This Conversation Is Everywhere Right Now

There’s a bigger context here. People are burnt out, emotionally overloaded, and carrying a lot. When nervous systems are stretched thin, everything feels more intense.

Labels offer certainty when life feels uncertain. They can help us draw boundaries — but they can also stop curiosity dead in its tracks.

A Better Question Than “Is This Gaslighting?”

Rather than reaching for a buzzword, try asking:

• Do I feel safe to express myself here?

• Is my experience taken seriously over time?

• What happens when I say I’m hurt?

• Is there accountability and repair?

  
  

These questions are far more useful — and much kinder to everyone involved.

Language Is Helpful. Humans Are Messy.

Relationship language can be empowering. It can also turn relationships into courtrooms where everyone’s on trial.

Good therapy doesn’t strip language away — it puts it back in context.

Because relationships aren’t TikToks.They’re lived, layered, and complicated.

And sometimes, it’s not gaslighting.It’s just two tired nervous systems doing their best.